Girrrrl you know she got daddy issues. We’ve all heard this one before. “Daddy issues” have become synonymous with
She grew up without a father; therefore, she sucks at relationships with men because she wants her man to be her boo and daddy too.
As a psychologist, I can fully say ish isn’t that simple and I wish people would stop trying to oversimplify complex issues!
Are daddy issues real?
Do they stem from one’s connection with your father?
HOWEVER, daddy issues are not ONLY experienced by women, who grew up without a father, nor is it a matter of women trying to find a replacement father figure in her dude. It’s women who’ve known their daddy their whole life, who have daddy issues….like lived in the same house and saw him EVERYDAY type know him. Having a father physically present doesn’t automatically equate to a healthy emotional attachment to your daddy.
Relationships with fathers are some of the women’s earliest emotional connections with men. Women learn a lot through these connections such as what love looks like, “ideal models” of how men should treat women, and ways to attract (positive and negative attention) from a man.
Do I think women are sitting around like
hmm, I clearly have daddy issues
No? Lol. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. C’mon sis, let’s address these issues so that you can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the future.
First things first, let’s get real about how daddy issues have influenced our dating and relationship habits…
#1 Seeking attention both positive and negative from men
One way this manifests is consistently having some dude in your inbox. Sis, why is he here?!
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You know you don’t want him AND I don’t want to hear that he just keeps messaging you. Are you replying though?! Uh huh that’s what I thought.
#2 Only dating older men
Chile miss me and yourself with the explanation that older men are wiser and more mature. That ain’t real life #sorrynotsorry. What are you REALLY seeking from these older men? And no I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about emotionally.
#3 Remaining in unhealthy relationships
But he loves me.
But he’s also hurting you too.
This stems from two major things:
- Not necessarily knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. I mean we are of the generation of #relationshipgoals. The problem is these goals are based on pictures and 60 second Instagram video clips.
- The fear of losing a connection with another man (daddy being the first) can make it harder to have the courage to walk away.
#4 Constantly seeking validation from your partner
Kiki, do you love me? Are you riding?
Say you’ll never ever leave from beside me
‘Cause I want ya, and I need ya
And I’m down for you always
That’s Drake right there but in real life, some of us constantly seek approval from the person we are dating.
This can result in getting lost in your relationship and constantly doing things to prove to yourself and the person that you are dating that you are a good partner. This constant need of approval from your dude can stem from lack of love and approval from your daddy growing up.
#5 Fear of being alone
Even if you haven’t been in a relationship or “dated” anyone for years doesn’t mean you have been single. If Chris, John, or Mike be in your inbox regularly…you are not real life single…lol.
What would it be like if you had no communication with a dude who has any type of interest in you? If you are making excuses …that’s just my friend, he doesn’t like me like that, etc. or couldn’t imagine that happening then you are likely afraid of being alone! That fear is likely deep-rooted in witnessing your daddy’s failed relationships.
#6 Lack of self-confidence and self-worth
Constantly seeking external approval leads to a lack of self-confidence, because you are waiting for someone else to tell you that you are dope! Sis, you are dope, you don’t need any man to tell you that. Clearly, it’s not that simple. Yearning for approval is rooted in deeper issues…daddy issues.
The real question is how do we begin to heal and move forward?
First, say what you need to say to your daddy.
One technique that I like to use is to write a letter to your daddy expressing your feelings. Don’t give him the letter and don’t get rid of the letter. Instead, every time you are having feelings of resentment or just any sort of negative feelings towards your daddy revisit the letter and add to it as needed. When we are able to get things out of our head, things become real and we can start to address these issues.
Second, set realistic expectations for your relationship with your daddy.
Often we hold on to an “ideal image” of a father that our actual daddy will never be. These idealistic views set us up for constant disappoint. Instead of focusing on who you would like for him to be, focus on who he actually is.
Third, here comes my fave set healthy boundaries.
You know I love talking about setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life.
Just because he is your daddy doesn’t mean you have to talk to him every day or reply to every text message.
I had to apply this to my own life. My daddy stays in business mode and sometimes talks to me like I’m his client. No, nope, nah, I’m not going to do it. I kindly tell him he is in “business mode” and I will talk to him later because I have to protect MY peace. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him or communicate with him, I just have boundaries.
Lastly, let that hurt go. Let me say it one more time Let. That. hurt. Go.
Whether you believe it or not if you haven’t let go of the anger and resentment towards your daddy its impacting your ability to have a healthy relationship.
You know I’m a psychologist so I have to say it – going to therapy is a great way to work through these daddy issues.
What are some of the ways that you’ve seen daddy issues influence your relationships? Talk to me in the comments below.