As successful women, it can be hard to admit that we make mistakes, especially when it comes to choosing an ideal partner. Listen, for the longest my story was “It was ALL him.” Plot twist: It was my fault too.
Read more of my revelations about my past dating experiences here.
Women, it’s time for us to own up to our part in these failed relationships. Here are some common mistakes that I see a lot of successful women make, which is why we’re out here successful and single.
Mistake #1: We choose people we can save (often unintentionally)
In the words of J. Cole, “Don’t save [him]. [He] don’t wanna be saved.” No really, we aren’t here to “teach men” or “to make men better.” I mean do men “make women better?” The reality is a person has to be motivated and committed to change.
Even as a therapist I cannot save my clients. I tell them all the time if they only do the work once a week for 50 minutes things won’t change. However, when they apply principles learned in session to other areas of their life then change will happen.
The same is true for relationships. ONE person, ONE relationship will not make him a better man. Him choosing to do things differently will make him a better man.
Mistake #2: Falling for a man who recognizes our vulnerable side
Honey, we think we have it made when we find a man that will accept us not made up and wig off, BUT is it everything we dreamed it would be.
Yes, you want a partner that you can communicate with and who supports you. But is that partner using your vulnerability to manipulate you? We don’t talk about that now do we?
Mistake #3: We settle
This mistake always strikes me as odd. For many of us, our success is a result of us NOT settling and occupying the spaces that were not designed for us. However, we lose that same passion, drive, and determination when it comes to relationships.
we have given our all in other areas of your life?
we see others around us married and starting a family?
we’ve decided this is as good as it gets.
Mistake #4: Hidden damage
We often hide behind our success. There are things that we have not addressed such as issues with our parents, childhood abuse (yes, I’m going there), and past toxic relationships.
We have decided….
That we are okay
It’s not that big of a deal
It was a long time ago
And it’s clearly not affecting me now
Whew! The lies you tell! Yes, it is painful to dig up those traumatic experiences; however, it is necessary to fully heal and to be open and ready for a healthy relationship.
Now that I have officially snatched our edges…how do we grow them back? LOL.
In order to move forward, we must take care of ourselves first.
Go to therapy.
It’s okay to not be okay. Please tell me that we are finally ready to talk about therapy in the Black community. One day I will do a post on how Jesus, your Pastor, and your therapist can co-exist in your life.
Anywho, even as a psychologist, I go see my therapist faithfully every week, because I have no desire to be the same ol’ T, a year from now, heck even 6 weeks from now.
Therapy isn’t just a place for people with severe problems, it’s a place of restoration.
Evaluate the people around you.
If you are accepting toxicity in a potential bae, you likely need to evaluate the other relationships in your life. Let’s get ALL these relationships together — establish healthy boundaries with your friends and family. Once you get these relationships in check, you will have more confidence to set and maintain healthy boundaries in future romantic relationships.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was comparing my life to my peers of similar age, who had different career trajectories. As an unpartnered graduate student for all the years, coins what are those? Kids, how do I afford those? Were my immediate thoughts. The reality is people have different life trajectories and it’s okay. Also, we know all happy homes ain’t happy outside of social media…just saying.
Focus on living a balanced life.
It’s hard to evaluate our current goals and personal growth when our life is in chaos. Take some time and get organized with your space, thoughts, short-term and long-term goals. See how much clearer you will see the world, sis.
What personal care strategies do you practice to ensure that you are open and ready for a healthy relationship?